Helen and Mary had booked the four of us into a small holiday resort type thing in Noosa, and it turned out a million times better than we could ever have imagined.
The little apartment we were staying in was nice enough to live in, it had a swimming pool that allowed us to sun ourselves around and a tennis court for football tennis. We spent the next few days doing just those things, getting exceedingly sun-scorched and eating beer and drinking lots and lots of food.
And we got The Dark Knight out again. Awesome.
We were going to be spending Christmas there, and were wondering what we were going to do about food on Christmas day. We finally decided on having a barbecue, and set about drawing up the extensive plan of the mechanisation systems of the feast. I was in charge of the meat.
As well as the meat derby that we planned to hold on the 25th, on Christmas Eve, we went to a hostel-cum-pub that was up the road and had a proper Christmas dinner with turkey and everything.
'Oh no darl', you're backpackers we can't take that much money off you.' She said, out of her good eye.
'No, really, we insist. It was great.'
'I tell you what, if you really want to give me something you can get me a drink.'
The little apartment we were staying in was nice enough to live in, it had a swimming pool that allowed us to sun ourselves around and a tennis court for football tennis. We spent the next few days doing just those things, getting exceedingly sun-scorched and eating beer and drinking lots and lots of food.
And we got The Dark Knight out again. Awesome.
We were going to be spending Christmas there, and were wondering what we were going to do about food on Christmas day. We finally decided on having a barbecue, and set about drawing up the extensive plan of the mechanisation systems of the feast. I was in charge of the meat.
As well as the meat derby that we planned to hold on the 25th, on Christmas Eve, we went to a hostel-cum-pub that was up the road and had a proper Christmas dinner with turkey and everything.
We weren't expecting much but it was actually pretty flipping brilliant. We were so impressed by the food, and also the three members of staff that were feeding and serving a whole pub full of drunken people late on Christmas Eve that we decided to whack on a sizeable tip at the end.
I was charged with going up after the meal into the kitchen to dish out the money. The only problem was that when I got into the kitchen only the old lady that had been cooking the food was present.
'Can I leave this as a tip, please? That was lovely and it's amazing you were able to make it all in this little kitchen.' I gushed, like a schoolgirl in front of Gary Barlow's legendary genitals.
I was charged with going up after the meal into the kitchen to dish out the money. The only problem was that when I got into the kitchen only the old lady that had been cooking the food was present.
'Can I leave this as a tip, please? That was lovely and it's amazing you were able to make it all in this little kitchen.' I gushed, like a schoolgirl in front of Gary Barlow's legendary genitals.
'Oh no darl', you're backpackers we can't take that much money off you.' She said, out of her good eye.
'No, really, we insist. It was great.'
'I tell you what, if you really want to give me something you can get me a drink.'
Right, now it became obvious that the lady thought I was tipping her. I panicked and ran back to the table and asked what to do. I was met with mixed derision and scoffing, and that I was that useless I 'couldn't even leave a tip'.
I was now emotionally hurt and the quiz was about to start, and so I returned to the kitchen trying to explain that it was for everyone, not just the extras from the riot episode of Prisoner Cell Block H. This was only half successful, and so I grabbed one of the waiter men in with me and asked if he could share the tip round everyone. Success.
After this experience, and the Dagley Trio's consistent haranguing, I was not mentally prepared for the quiz. I didn't have my brain head on. What's more the guy who was reading the questions out was dressed as Father Christmas and his fake beard kept going in his mouth, which inexplicably made me feel incredibly nauseous.
After this experience, and the Dagley Trio's consistent haranguing, I was not mentally prepared for the quiz. I didn't have my brain head on. What's more the guy who was reading the questions out was dressed as Father Christmas and his fake beard kept going in his mouth, which inexplicably made me feel incredibly nauseous.
Despite this, I was by far and away the outstanding player on our team (for which we'd reverted back to the classic and called 'Buster Corpse and the Necrophiliacs') - if only they had listened to my answers.
The fact that I could not perform a transaction that only required me to hand over money and not even receive anything back seemingly meant that I also didn't qualify to know the answers to festive-orientated pub quiz quandaries.
We finished third from bottom behind three 'Slavs that held about fifteen words of English and the same amount of fingers between them and a quintet, or a 'tossload' as I liked to group them as, of Australian lads that answered every question with a different word for vagina.
Not letting this under-performance get us down, we got down to some beer swilling with a couple of Australian men and a Kiwi bloke. These lads were good fun, until it was home time and they realised that they weren't going to be able to sleep with any of us, and then they got reasonably aggressive. Nevertheless, we said our goodbyes and walked down to the taxi rank.
(The other day on a trip south in Argentina we were essentially forced to watch Vertical Limit, starring Chris O'Donnell of Batman franchise-ruining fame, which had the quasi-amusing line said by an Australian of an Australian, 'He's like a dog. If he sees something moving he tries to hump it, if he can't hump it, he'll eat it, and if he can't eat it he'll piss on it.' This was the state of play. Apart from the piss.)
Once there, we found two six-packs of bottles of beer that had been abandoned, and we quickly scooped them up and bundled into a taxi. One of the packs of beer just about lasted the trip home, before being dropped three yards out of the taxi.
The other pack of liquid goodness was dropped as soon as we entered our flat, sending shards of miniscule glass everywhere over the tiled floor.
We finished third from bottom behind three 'Slavs that held about fifteen words of English and the same amount of fingers between them and a quintet, or a 'tossload' as I liked to group them as, of Australian lads that answered every question with a different word for vagina.
Not letting this under-performance get us down, we got down to some beer swilling with a couple of Australian men and a Kiwi bloke. These lads were good fun, until it was home time and they realised that they weren't going to be able to sleep with any of us, and then they got reasonably aggressive. Nevertheless, we said our goodbyes and walked down to the taxi rank.
(The other day on a trip south in Argentina we were essentially forced to watch Vertical Limit, starring Chris O'Donnell of Batman franchise-ruining fame, which had the quasi-amusing line said by an Australian of an Australian, 'He's like a dog. If he sees something moving he tries to hump it, if he can't hump it, he'll eat it, and if he can't eat it he'll piss on it.' This was the state of play. Apart from the piss.)
Once there, we found two six-packs of bottles of beer that had been abandoned, and we quickly scooped them up and bundled into a taxi. One of the packs of beer just about lasted the trip home, before being dropped three yards out of the taxi.
The other pack of liquid goodness was dropped as soon as we entered our flat, sending shards of miniscule glass everywhere over the tiled floor.
I knelt down to brush up the larger pieces and must have put my knee onto a patch of vaporised glass dust, as suddenly there was a pool of blood on the floor around my knee.
I rushed upstairs to wash my knee under the tap in the bath, only to pull the whole tap out of the wall. At this point, all hell broke loose.
I rushed upstairs to wash my knee under the tap in the bath, only to pull the whole tap out of the wall. At this point, all hell broke loose.
It was like the 'crazy' scene in a Steve Martin film where things were flying around and people were going mental and Steve Martin stands in the middle of it with his hands over his ears and shouts something hilarious like 'STOP!'.
Except that nobody was laughing.
Except that nobody was laughing.
No wait, that is the same.
Mary and Helen started to shout at each other about something - possibly the tap, which was pouring out about 200 litres a minute, my knee was pissing blood like a confused mosquito and Emma was trying to Skype her mate back in England.
Mary and Helen started to shout at each other about something - possibly the tap, which was pouring out about 200 litres a minute, my knee was pissing blood like a confused mosquito and Emma was trying to Skype her mate back in England.
Things then quickly escalated to all out lunacy when Helen attempted to call the police, yes, you read correctly, THE POLICE, and then ran outside into the residential cul-de-sac and shouted ´IS THERE NOBODY THERE?!!´ as loud as a 757 taking off on a runway of kittens before shortly blowing up and smashing into a piano factory.
A shame to end a very fun evening like this, I thought.
Then I remembered it was Christmas Eve. Standard.
Christmas Day was a much more fun affair, with more meat than we could eat, and even Helen had great food too. Our differences were forgotten, even Helen let the Police off for not coming round to fix our tap.
'Really though, we really got no beef with the PoPo.' She might have said.
Three days later, it was time to say goodbye to Mary and Emma. This was a pretty emotional affair as Emma and Mary were on separate planes and so there were two 'saying goodbye' sessions. I didn't cry so much as get pissed. Won two beach balls and a sweat band on three out of four scratch cards! Bonus.
And then it was just Helen and I again. So we quickly went back to Lisa's in Sydney so we didn't have to spend any time alone.
A shame to end a very fun evening like this, I thought.
Then I remembered it was Christmas Eve. Standard.
Christmas Day was a much more fun affair, with more meat than we could eat, and even Helen had great food too. Our differences were forgotten, even Helen let the Police off for not coming round to fix our tap.
'Really though, we really got no beef with the PoPo.' She might have said.
Three days later, it was time to say goodbye to Mary and Emma. This was a pretty emotional affair as Emma and Mary were on separate planes and so there were two 'saying goodbye' sessions. I didn't cry so much as get pissed. Won two beach balls and a sweat band on three out of four scratch cards! Bonus.
And then it was just Helen and I again. So we quickly went back to Lisa's in Sydney so we didn't have to spend any time alone.
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