After missing Ed and Nicky the night before, we were a little bit down in the dumps. We were also pretty pissed off that when our 'private' taxi that had cost us an arm and half a leg pulled up outside our hotel, we only drove round the corner before the driver picked up some random and tried to charge him too.
The random was, in fact, quite an interesting man from Australia, who worked on an oil farm, growing oils, in Kazakhstan. He was also a hunter, and try as he might couldn't quite understand Helen's choice of diet.
But, yet again, no one died.
We were met at the airport by the charming KC and the increasingly wonderful Aunty, and promptly went for round two at the Shangri La buffet. I had a decidedly ropey stomach and didn't do my best at eating as much as planned, or at least not without tribulation, but Helen got stuck in enough for two.
We went back to Aunty and KC's house and we saw Lucky, the kitten that we had met before, who had all grown up. (Unfortunately, since then, it transpires that Lucky isn't quite worthy of his name, having succumbed to a bout of rat poisoning.)
There was now also a new black and white kitten that Aunty hadn't named yet, and wanted Helen to name, so Dagley called it Barney. Here he is with his mum.
There was also this little twat that made the Eagle man name every single city in India whilst trying to guess where he was from before saying he was from 'India'. He was pretty good at feeding eagles from a stick though, so I cut him some slack.
Later that evening we gave Eugene his present, Happy Feet on DVD. He said that he liked the film very much, and he had seen it 'a very long time ago'. The lad's seven.
Early the next day we got the bus, and then a train, to the airport with Lai Yeu and Eugene to get on the tin eagle to Australia.
Eugene fell asleep on the train, and when we left him at the airport he was still a bit groggy. I thought that perhaps his eyes had started to well up and when we left I told Helen. We both thought we were being silly as he was a very grown up wee lad, but it turns out that when we left he got really upset and, in his mum's words 'wasn't even interested in his hand-held games' for days afterwards because he missed us.
Though I'm sure his plans for world domination were still ticking over nicely. (In fact, he currently wants to be a pilot, and I'm quite sure he will be one. The kid's a fucking jenieus.)
With our seats in an upright position, trays safely locked away and seat belts fastened, we were off to Australia and part two of our trip.
If I was George Lucas this would probably be Episode Six, but the third one made. But we'd always planned on also making One, Two and Three. But I'm not George Lucas. I have a neck.
We were off to kill some stingrays in revenge for them killing Crocodile Dundee Cake. Or something to that effect.
The random was, in fact, quite an interesting man from Australia, who worked on an oil farm, growing oils, in Kazakhstan. He was also a hunter, and try as he might couldn't quite understand Helen's choice of diet.
'So you don't eat any meat at all?'The flight was more than a little bumpy, with the tail end of the storm still whisking its way through the province. Helen was, as it says here in my scrawled and bogey stained notes, 'v. unbrave'.
'Well, I eat fish now, but that's only recently.'
'But you eat chicken and stuff like that?'
'No.'
'Beef?'
But, yet again, no one died.
We were met at the airport by the charming KC and the increasingly wonderful Aunty, and promptly went for round two at the Shangri La buffet. I had a decidedly ropey stomach and didn't do my best at eating as much as planned, or at least not without tribulation, but Helen got stuck in enough for two.
We went back to Aunty and KC's house and we saw Lucky, the kitten that we had met before, who had all grown up. (Unfortunately, since then, it transpires that Lucky isn't quite worthy of his name, having succumbed to a bout of rat poisoning.)
There was now also a new black and white kitten that Aunty hadn't named yet, and wanted Helen to name, so Dagley called it Barney. Here he is with his mum.
The next day we travelled up a bulbous winding mountain to a casino. This was frankly weird. Helen and I weren't quite sure what we were doing there, but didn't want to seem rude. We knew from KC that Aunty liked one slot machine game in particular and so we just endeavoured to find it and play along with her.
The amount of people in the casino was astonishing, and it didn't appear that many of them could afford to lose much money. It was all rather stifling and perplexing, as well as reasonably uncomfortable, but we had a good time with Aunty and actually doubled her money!
The next day we said our, again teary, goodbyes to Aunty and KC and got on a coach to Singapore. We'll be forever grateful to them for their infinite generosity and we hope that KC and the family can persuade Aunty to get on a plane out to see her family in England soon.
At the border we were asked for the address that we would be staying at in Singapore and Helen made the bold decision to literally make it up.
The next day we said our, again teary, goodbyes to Aunty and KC and got on a coach to Singapore. We'll be forever grateful to them for their infinite generosity and we hope that KC and the family can persuade Aunty to get on a plane out to see her family in England soon.
At the border we were asked for the address that we would be staying at in Singapore and Helen made the bold decision to literally make it up.
I immediately blew our cover by laughing, not so much at Helen and the lady asking the questions but just thinking about Alan Partridge when he gets pulled over by the police.
'Bill... C-Car. King Road... TEN! Just going to go home and go straight to bed and stay out of trouble.'
Luckily we were both let through and lived to lie another day.
The coach ride was a breeze and we were met at the drop-off point by one of Auntie’s daughters, Lai Yeu, her husband Twa and their son Eugene.
Eugene is, without doubt, a child prodigy. At first he was reasonably shy, talking about his school and his different extra-curricular classes - which include robot makingmanship, amazing, I want to go to school in Singapore! - over the buffet that we had at the hotel we were dropped off at.
'Bill... C-Car. King Road... TEN! Just going to go home and go straight to bed and stay out of trouble.'
Luckily we were both let through and lived to lie another day.
The coach ride was a breeze and we were met at the drop-off point by one of Auntie’s daughters, Lai Yeu, her husband Twa and their son Eugene.
Eugene is, without doubt, a child prodigy. At first he was reasonably shy, talking about his school and his different extra-curricular classes - which include robot makingmanship, amazing, I want to go to school in Singapore! - over the buffet that we had at the hotel we were dropped off at.
Soon he plucked up the courage to ask why I had a 'beard', which I was frankly most flattered by, if I was only 25. I didn't really have an answer.
The next day we went to a bird sanctuary with him and his mum, and he got into full swing. He was explaining - in perfect England - the taxi surcharge system, recent meteorological science advances and unwanted changes to his favourite TV programmes.
The Bird Sanctuary was rather good. Helen almost got in on a family ticket - meaning she would have been under 12 - and then got her mind read by a parrot.
There were lots of multi-coloured flying things and also a lake full of flamingos. The most impressive part, if slightly distressing, was when they had the birds of prey show and huge eagles and vultures and the like swooped around like giant pigeons or miniature planes.
There was also this little twat that made the Eagle man name every single city in India whilst trying to guess where he was from before saying he was from 'India'. He was pretty good at feeding eagles from a stick though, so I cut him some slack.
Later that evening we gave Eugene his present, Happy Feet on DVD. He said that he liked the film very much, and he had seen it 'a very long time ago'. The lad's seven.
Early the next day we got the bus, and then a train, to the airport with Lai Yeu and Eugene to get on the tin eagle to Australia.
Eugene fell asleep on the train, and when we left him at the airport he was still a bit groggy. I thought that perhaps his eyes had started to well up and when we left I told Helen. We both thought we were being silly as he was a very grown up wee lad, but it turns out that when we left he got really upset and, in his mum's words 'wasn't even interested in his hand-held games' for days afterwards because he missed us.
Though I'm sure his plans for world domination were still ticking over nicely. (In fact, he currently wants to be a pilot, and I'm quite sure he will be one. The kid's a fucking jenieus.)
With our seats in an upright position, trays safely locked away and seat belts fastened, we were off to Australia and part two of our trip.
If I was George Lucas this would probably be Episode Six, but the third one made. But we'd always planned on also making One, Two and Three. But I'm not George Lucas. I have a neck.
We were off to kill some stingrays in revenge for them killing Crocodile Dundee Cake. Or something to that effect.
And, after more free booze than Oliver Reed could have thrown up over a 14-year-old Greek prostitute, Dagley was actually 'really brave' on this flight.
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